You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
