I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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