My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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