i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
