My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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