I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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