just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
