Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
