I can feel you judging me through the phone.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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