i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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