Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
