Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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