It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
