Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
