hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
