There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
