my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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