drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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