i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize