I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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