on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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