Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
