She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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