you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
