There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
