i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she told me i tasted like america
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You can't just leave with hair like that
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
