tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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