i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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