I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
