I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize