I can tuck mytits in my pants
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
