I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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