On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
