Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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