Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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