i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
