Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
