woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my shit smells like andre
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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