I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
