Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
