my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
