his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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