May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
