And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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