Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
