God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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