is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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