my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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