don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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