i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
