ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
