Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
