so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
