What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
